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Loss & Grief:

When speaking of grief, many people automatically think of bereavement (grief over the loss of a loved one). However, people grieve over the loss of many things throughout life. Some are very small, such as the loss of car keys. Some are very large such as the loss of a husband or wife. Others are catastrophic where someone loses not only their house to a fire, but also their wife, children, and all their possessions. Other types of losses are not as obvious, but are as equally powerful. When people retire they often lose their identity (“I used to be the baker, who am I now?”). Many people experience the loss of dreams or the loss of self-perception when confronted with the truth of who they really are.

There are many types of loss, but there is only one way that humans healthily overcome all of these loses: by journeying through grief.

The grief journey is hard. The grief journey is painful and emotionally draining. But, the grief journey is the way God has chosen to lead us to a new way of life. There will be darkness on the path, but in every case, if one looks ahead to the end, they will see the sun shining brightly.

The following is a general description of different steps in the grief process. They do not necessarily go in this order and each step does not necessarily occur only once throughout a person’s journey. Not every person will experience each step either. Most people wander around back and forth through the steps, slowly moving their way to the end of the grief journey. This journey is not a brief walk. The grief journey does not happen in just two weeks or two months. It is not uncommon for a person’s grief journey to last a couple of years depending on the severity of the loss. Obviously, car keys may only take a few hours.

Life Before The Loss

Technically, this is not a step in the grief process. However, it is important to think about life before the loss because it contrasts so greatly with life after a loss. Most people’s days are filled with tasks at work and at home, time relaxing, and time spent building up friendships. Loss changes this greatly.

The Loss

The loss is what starts a person on one’s grief journey. The following are all examples of loses that can start one on a grief journey: Death of loved one; Money; Divorce; Fertility; Surgery; Freedom; Youth; Lifestyle; Faith; Health; Control; Sexuality; Activity; Values; Normal patterns in life; Reputation; Job; Self-esteem.

Protest And Denial

Protest and Denial is a very confusing, fiery, and unpredictable time in life. It is not uncommon for people to feel a sense of shock and numbness after the loss has occurred. The mind is often confused and simple tasks such as getting water put into the tea kettle is at times baffling. Some people get physically sick at what has happened while others completely deny that anything has occurred and try to live as if nothing had. It is common to become unpredictably angry for no reason at all or fly into a rage, blaming others for what has occurred. It is also common to feel guilty and feel the need to lay the blame on oneself.

Searching

“Why did this happen?” When loss confronts us we search for answers that will make sense of our pain. “Why” is a common question asked while searching. But, searching for answers is not the only type of searching we do. Those who have lost a loved one often search for their loved one. It is common for a person to see or hear their loved in the house or on the street. Other people try to search for a way to get back what they have lost by making bargains with God (“If I do this great thing, God, will you please bring back…”).

Despair

Despair is a powerful feeling of sadness and hopelessness. This time during the grief process is arguably the hardest part of grief, but it is an important part of the grief process to work through. Agony, anguish, depression, suicidal thoughts, shortness of breath, and slowed thinking and actions all are common elements in despair. It is not uncommon for people’s important bills, homework, and/or tasks to start piling up on the table. Many people cannot make it out of the house and do not desire to see anyone. At the same time, they may bemoan the fact that they seem to have been abandoned by everyone.

Hope

Thankfully, despair will slowly give way to hope. A person may notice the beauty of a flower for the first time in ages. A child’s laugh may temporarily break through the anguish.

Reorganization

Reorganization is a confusing time because a person will have moments or even days where they see the light at the end and have great bursts of energy. The person will usually try to invest a little time doing something they love or something new and exciting. Then, as quickly as the burst of energy came, it will leave and once again one finds himself/herself fatigued, detached from others, and simply not caring about anything or anyone.

Reinvestment

Though life is not perfect and one still feels the pain of the loss from time to time, God leads people towards the end of the grief process. People will start to invest themselves in both old and new interests. Life will start to take on the feeling of a new way of normal.

A New Way Of Life

The new life that is given by God after the grief journey is not one free of grief. Often, on holidays and anniversaries people will be driven back into despair temporarily. Nor does a person forget what has been lost in their new life. Instead, a person will incorporate the loss as a fact of life and live life to it’s fullest by taking part once again in tasks at work and at home, time relaxing, and time spent building up friendships.

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Trinity Evangelical Lutheran Church, 908 South Main, Towanda PA 18848, (507) 265-5322 trinluth@epix.net

Trinity Evangelical Lutheran Church Is A Member of the Northeastern Pennsylvania Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America