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The
Problem:
As a general rule, personal
crisis (spiritual and otherwise) almost always stems from some sort of loss
(unless caused by some type of mental illness or brain degeneration). Therefore, loss is generally the lens
that one looks through when ministering to most people in crisis.
Any loss can
cause a crisis in life. It causes a
crisis because the loss often escalates into greater losses like a snowball
rolling down a hill. For example:
the loss of a spouse will often cause a person to lose their own sense of
self because half of their self has been taken away. This will snowball into a sense that one
has lost control in life.
 Loss Loss of Identity Loss of Control
When struggling in life, one
needs to figure out one’s identity in order to gain control again and truly
live. A person may come to different
conclusions regarding one’s identity depending on the level of pain
associated with their crisis:
- My identity is good enough, I will keep
functioning this way.
- I have control of most of my life, I simply
need to adjust my identity a little.
- What identity? Who am I again?
We regain control of our
identity (and therefore our lives) by trusting that there is continued life
beyond the struggle. We will not
feel lost forever. We will be
someone again. One effective way to
regain our identity is by working/talking through it with someone
else. We regain our identity and
sense of control in life when we are effectively reminded of our baptism. If we are able to believe we are children
of God, we have a base on which we can rebuild our identity. However, this may take much more than
just being reminded in church periodically that we are children of God.
We Can
Assist Best By:
1. Being There
“And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we
have seen his glory, the glory as of a father’s only son, full of grace and
truth.” -John 1:14
We
need to know at heart that we are a child of God; someone worth caring
for. This is the foundation on which
we build who we are. Simply being
present is the non-verbal way of reminding them of this identity. Sometimes we offer this loving reminder
verbally when it seems lacking.
2. Listening 98% of the time. Trust God to do the healing.
“When Mary came where Jesus was and saw him, she knelt at
his feet and said to him, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not
have died.’ When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also
weeping, he was greatly disturbed in spirit and deeply moved. He said,
‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ Jesus
began to weep.”
-John 11:32-35
Jesus
opts not to respond to Mary’s angry allegations. Silence was more than enough at the
moment. It isn’t our job to shape a
person into who we would want them to be on the other side of the
struggle. How they will be shaped is
between God and that person.
Therefore, we just allow the space for the person to work it out
verbally, figuring through problems, and trying out new ideas. This happens best when we are silently
listening. Feel free to share
emotion if it arises within yourself.
Cry if you feel like crying.
Laugh if you feel like laughing.
It makes it O.K. for the other person to share emotion. Another part of listening is not always
answering the questions asked. It is
O.K. to not know an answer if asked.
Often it is preferable. Just
say, “I don’t know either.”
3. Help the person share 2% of the time.
a. Use open questions (questions that can’t
be answered with a “yes” or “no”).
“How are you feeling?”
“Why do you feel this way?”
“What has it been like through this
time?”
“Why
has it been difficult?”
“How does ____ make you feel?”
“What did you do when that
happened?”
“Why did you do that?”
b.
Repeat
things you just heard, showing you understand and want to hear more.
“So, you felt bad when ___ happened.”
c. Listen for repeated themes and ask (even
if the themes feel uncomfortable).
“You’ve mentioned your father’s
first wife many times. Who was she
to you?”
d. Invite the person to explore
possibilities after significant sharing.
“What are you going to do after we are
done talking?”
“Where do you think God is leading you?”
e.
Point
out the obvious truth, even if it may hurt.
Point out incongruities.
“I know you love your son, but he doesn’t
know that if you don’t say so.”
“You
say you’re fine but there are tears in your eyes. What are the tears about?”
4. Be an example of how to adjust and do
things a new way.
Pitfalls:
1. Sharing your own similar experience.
Rarely should we do this unless the person is
concerned about whether or not what they
are going through is normal. A
healer of Christ cannot make the issue about themselves.
2. Expecting the person to struggle in a
certain way or within a certain time period.
Everyone works through their struggles
differently. It does not matter if
you have worked through a
similar experience in a shorter period of time. People will take the time they need. People will also tell their story as many
times as they need. It is not abnormal to hear the same story
over 10 times.
3. Overidentification with the person’s
feelings.
It is not helpful for the healer of Christ to be as
overwhelmed as the care receiver. We
do not take on a person’s
burden. That is Christ’s job. We simply shoulder the burden temporarily until Christ
takes it.
4. Becoming impatient, fearing negative
feelings, or being judgmental.
The journey may take a while and it may not be
pretty. Trust that the Holy Spirit
is at work. Be unconditional in your love just as
Christ is unconditional in love toward you.
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